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 Biggest SMS Joke Collection*Dont Miss*, u'll die of laugh

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PostSubject: Biggest SMS Joke Collection*Dont Miss*, u'll die of laugh   Tue May 15, 2007 3:01 pm

Razz Biggest SMS Joke Collection*Dont Miss*, u'll die of laugh

7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 7777777777777 Problems. So beware of glance!

-------------------------------------------------------
Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Resultis always FAIL!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do ukeep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer:"So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom!"

---------------------------------------------------------
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to
his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Signboards that make you smile


ADVERTISEMENT


In a rest room:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY
THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN
ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES,
WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG
AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE
FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL
YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR
- THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's
your turn to spread the stupidity.
Send this to someone you want to smile.
We all need a good laugh.
Keep smiling.

~`~~~~``~~~~```~~~~~```~~~~```~~~~~``~~~~~``~~~``` ~~~~``~``~

wrote your name on sand it got washed.

I wrote your name in air,it was blown away.then

I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack .


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Police man== Stop, stop, your headlights are not working.

The Man== Move, move, even the brakes are not working.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Why does history keep repeating it self?

Because we weren't listening the first time !


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~



A sardar ji pulled out 6 people from a burning house...

still he was in jail.......why?

coz all the 6 were firebrigade staff !


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~



An Astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope.

A sardar was observing him, Suddenly a star falls, seeings

that sardar shouted "kya nishana hai"


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


When ur life is in darkness pray to God ask him to

free u from darkness and if after you pray and your

still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL !


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Ek dost ne sardar se poocha "yaar tu hamesha foreign channel kyon
dekhta
rehta." Sardar "yaar kuch bijli unki bhi kharcha hone do."

--------------------------------------------------------------
4 hightech sardar inventions:
---Waterproof towel
---Solar powered torch
---Book on how to read
---Pedal powered wheel chair.

----------------------------------------------------------
Sardar ke bagiche me bahut pedh the. Sardar ne naukar se bola pedho
ko
pani dal. Naukar bola "sahib barish ho rahi hai" sardar : abe budhu
chatri
pakad ke dal na".
-------------------------------------------------------------

Man:sardarji where were u born?
sardarji: punjab.
man: which part.
Sardar: oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".
----------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer to sardar: Gita pe haath laga kar kaho ke
---Sardar :yeh kya, sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab fir
gita pe
haath
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Ek teacher ne sardar se puchha
"akal badhi ya bhais "
Sardar bola "sir pehle date of birth to batao".
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why was sardarji writing the exam near the door ----- bcoz it was an
entrance exam.
---------------------------------------------------------

Banta's son:dad there is some one on the door 2 collect donations for a
swimming pool.
Banta: give him a glass of water.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Santa:I am a proud sardar, my son is in medical college.
Banta: really what is he studying?
santa: he is not studying they are studying him.

-------------------------------------------------------

Height of stupidity:
two sardar fighting for the window seat on a scooter.
------------------------------------------------------

HOW DID YOU DIE?


Two women are in heaven: One woman says to another,
"how did you die"?

"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful"
says the first woman.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very
uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the hakes,and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second
woman. "I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see I
knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could! to the attic, and just as I get there, I had a massive heart attack and died.

The second woman shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Bastard


GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called my
boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny's Tick Tock!

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her class about the value of being observant and

said, "Now children, look at the clock; what
does the clock have that I have too?"

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face."
Another girl raised her hand and
said, "It has hands." "Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I haven't got?"




After a long silence, little Johnny rose and said, "You ain't got no pendulum, Miss."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gum woh cheez hai ...

Wah ! Kya dard hai ! --

Gum woh cheez hai ...

jisse paper chipkaya jaata hai

------------------------------------------------------------
Door se dekha to Patthhar dikhta tha......

Door se dekha.. to Patthharr dikhtaa
thaa.......

Paas jake dekha to... suchmuch Patthhar hi
thaa......
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Pyar to tum par mujhe bahut aata hai

Par kya karu Tera baap beech mein aata hai

Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hai

Laila ghar mein aur majnoo jail mein hote
hai

Jab tak tu apne dil ki baat mujhe samjhayegi

meri shaadi kahin aur ho jayegi

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tum har raat mere khwabon mein aao,

Tum har raat mujhe yuunhi satao,

Melody khao khud jaan jao........
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||

Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan

Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan

Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||

before marrige
--------------

takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti

after marriage
--------------
takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi marti
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Jise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi
jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi
dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim
bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||

Subject: Guess 1 + 1 ?

How much is 1+1 = ?

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ARE U LOOKING FOR ANSWER?

Shame on you

--------------|||||||||||||||||||_----------------------------

sardarji worked very hard for english test. On the day of test, he prayed to god, said bye bye sat sri akal, and proceeded towards test center on tractor.

Anyway, so he wrote the test and came back. Everyone in family was anxious to know how did it go, so they inquired.

Sardarji said: Well, everything seemed ok till i got stuck on one question.
Family: what question?
Sardarji: they had asked for past tense of "think".
Family: What did you write?
Sardarji: I thought and thought and thought, and finally i wrote "thank".

__________________________________________________ ________________


One Monday morning, a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, Banta the homeowner is coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow, looks like you guys had a hell of a party this weekend," the mailman comments.
Banta replies, "We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over and things got a bit wild. We got so drunk that we started playing 'Who Am I?'"
The mailman says, "How do you play that?"
Banta continues, "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our units showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "I'm sorry I missed that."
Banta responds, "But your name was guessed four or five times."

-------------------------------------------------

Santa and Banta drove to a Petrol pump in a remote place for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered to anybody who purchased a full tank of petrol. When they went inside to pay, Santa asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you`re entitled to free SEX,"
Santa asked how can he enter the contest.
The attendant explained, "Well, I`m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free SEX."
So Santa filled up and asked to play the contest and said, " I Guess 7."
"Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, Santa and Banta returned to the same pump to get petrol. When they went inside to pay, Santa asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
Sure," replied the attendant. I`m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.
2," said Santa.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As Santa and Banta were walking back to the car, Banta said to Santa, "You know, I`m beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said Santa, "My wife won twice last week."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


santa singh was speeding on a highway. banta singh, the cop in uniform, stopped him and asked for license.

Santa singh: license? how does that look like?
Banta singh: it's like..square..with your picture.

Santa singh searches inside his car for his license, and comes up with small square mirror. Looking at it, he noticed, surely there was his picture there.

Santa singh handed over the mirror to banta singh and said: here it is, my license.

banta singh looked at it and said:
well, OK, looks fine, you can go. Why didn't you tell me you were a cop?
_-------------------------------------------------------

Yearly physical

An elderly couple arrives at the doctor's office for their yearly physicals.

One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examining room, starting with the husband.

"Well, Mr. Smith, you're in great shape for a man your age," says the doctor.

To which the man replies, "Well, Doc, I don't smoke, I don't drink and the good Lord looks out for me."

"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.

The old man replies, "Well, for instance, last night I got up from bed to use the bathroom, and it was the good Lord who turned on the light for me so I wouldn't fall down."

"That's nice," says the doctor, somewhat confused . "Would you please send your wife in now?"

The wife comes in and the doctor says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape for a woman your age."

To which she responds, "Well I ought to be. I don't smoke, I don't drink. . . ."

The doctor interjects, "And the good Lord looks after you, right? Your husband just said the same thing."

"What are you talking about?" asks the bewildered woman .

"Your husband was just telling me that very same thing. He said the good Lord looks out for him. For example, last night when he got out of bed to use the bathroom, the good Lord turned on the light for him."

"Damn it!" she yells. "I knew he was pissing in the fridge again." ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Banta got married and decided to travel to Manali for honeymoon. As they were driving down the road, Banta reached over and put his hand on his new bride`s knee. She reminded him that they were married now, and that he could go farther. So they drove on to Rohtang Pass (50 km from Manali)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well one can't be too sure coz The President of the Philippines is
Ms.Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and before her there was Ms.Corazon C. Aquino
So lemme address you as Madam President since you ain't made it clear if you are the prez of TIMBUKTOO.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sex is like a restaurant. Sometimes you get full
service and sometimes
you have to be satisfied with SELF SERVICE!

--------------------------------------------------------

25 useless things in a man:

20 nails
02 nipples that don't milk
02 balls that you cannot play with. &
01 cock that does not lay egg.

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PostSubject: Continued Laugh(Part2)   Tue May 15, 2007 3:04 pm

TO LOSE WEIGHT..

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometres a day for 300
days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called
the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.

"What's the problem?"Asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."]
-------------------------------------------------------------
Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.


Santa singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta singh : Yes, I have.
Santa singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?
Santa singh : Yes, I have.
Banta singh : Well, my father killed it
-----------------------------------------------------------
Galileo : Great mind
Einstein : Mind of a Genius
Bill Gates : Mind of a brilliant businessman
Newton : Extraordinary mind
Common Man : Ordinary mind

Bush : Never Mind !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why couldn't the sardar write the number "eleven"?
He didn't know which "one" came first...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.

-------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------

Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world?
Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Cow in the sky.
A sardar was walking along, when he looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
him. The sardar says, "Good thing that cows don't fly".

-------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Cell Phone.
A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says " Hello, how did you know I was here?"

-------------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------

After death, Banta Singh reached the door of the heaven smoothly. There he met Saint Peter and he said, 'Well, Banta...It is nice to talk to you but we have changed our policy these days. I will ask you a question and you need to answer it correctly before you go in.'Banta, with lot of self confidence told Saint Peter to go ahead and ask him the damn question.
Saint Peter - How many seconds are there in a year?
Banta, after lot of thought, answered,'12'.
Astonished Saint Peter asked him - But how?
Banta - January 2nd,February 2nd,March 2nd,..........

-------------------------------------------------------------

One day a Sardarji talking with his friend.......
Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child.
Friend: Is it! Why?
Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6 months.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

English man asks Sardar : "Hello, How do you do?"
Sardar : I don't know about you but we remove underwear and do!!

-------------------------------------------
What did Newton's Dick says him after he see a sexy
naked Woman???


off YOUR LAW OF GRAVITY.... I'M GOING UP!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went to Doctor & said," Doc, Muje Rat ko sote wakt Sans lene me taklif hoti hai."

Doc replied," Ab se aisa karo, 7 din tak rat ko sote wakt SANS ki jagah pe SALI ko lo !!!!!!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once Santa went to beach. A man was doing push up at the shore. Santa stops there & started laughing & said," I am sorry to tell u my dear friend but the girl below u has already left ! !! ! !!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Once Manjeet Kaur - Wife of Santa went for swimming wearing BRA & PANTY. Trainer at the pool said madam here two peice costume is not allowed.

Manjeet," KAUN SA NIKALU?????"
------------------------------------------------------

Once a man told a lady," Madam, sorry to tell ur but ur left tit is hanging out of ur blouse."

"Oh my God, I forgot baby in the bus! ! ! !" lady replied

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PostSubject: Continued(Part3)   Tue May 15, 2007 3:04 pm

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Prison conditions

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden
he hit a sparrow. He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow
who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him
home.

When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage,
leaving him some bread and water inside. When the sparrow
came to, he looked around and said: "Bars, bread, water...
Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ek aadmi ne ek sadhu se kaha maharaj meri biwi mujhe bohat pareshan karti hai, koi upaye bataiye?

Sadhu bola agar koi upaye hota to mai Sadhu kyon banta
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Njoy.........................................

Tu mere dil mein aise samaayi hai
Jaise baajre ke khet mein bhains ghus aayi hai





Ai husn ki mallika aur baharon ki shaan

Jai jawan jai kisan





Joron ki baarish Makes me wonder

Is this what they call, Taste the thunder?




Dharti, taarey, pahaad, patthar

Dharti, taarey, pahaad, patthar........

Ekhathar, bahathar, chauhathar !
(tihathar is on leave)


Aaj aasmaan mein taare aise chamak rahe hain

Aaj aasmaan mein taare aise chamak rahe hain........

Bilkul! jaise kal chamak rahe the...(wah wah)



Asmaan mein ud rahen hain kabootar

Aasmaan mein ud rahen hain kabootar

Flutter Flutter, Flutter Flutter




kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai

kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai ......

ke kyon kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayal aata hai??




Dharti se aasmaa tak, aasmaa se dharti tak

Dharti se aasmaa tak, aasmaa se dharti tak

Dharti se aasmaa tak, aasmaa se dharti tak

Dharti se aasmaa tak, aasmaa se dharti tak

Hawa hi hawa hai.


Shahjahan Ne Taj Mahal Ki Har Deewar Ko Dekha,

Har Meenar Ko Dekha,

Har Kaaleen Ko Dekha,

Har Dar or Deewar ko dekha,

Har Lage hue Khambe ko Dekha.

Har Khidki se dekha,

Aur Bola.........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(guess ..... kya bola hoga ???)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
MAA KASAM !! BAHUT KHARCHA HO GAYA

--------------------------------------------------------------
Life isn't fair to men.

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no
one else.
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the
whole listagain yesterday.

-------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Which is more important to us, the
sun? or the moon?
Pupil: The moon.
Teacher: Why?
Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we
need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when don't need it.
-----------------------------------------------

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.
----------------------------------------------------
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black.
Customer: What other colours do you have?
------------------------------------------------------
. My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.
---------------------------------------------------------
. Pupil: Did you know that the most intelligent
person is going deaf?
Teacher: Really. Who is it?
Pupil : Pardon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
. Tom : How should I convey the news to my father
that I've failed?
David: You just send a telegram: Result
declared, past year's performance
repeated.
---------------------------------------------------
. Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating
a donkey and Stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
------------------------------------------------------
. Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook.

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